Chronic loneliness is affecting millions; so we need to nurture our relationships now more than ever.
Why is fostering deeper connections with others so important?
Deeper connections with people mean a better understanding of yourself and others. Relationships also provide us with a strong and reliable support system in life which, as years of research suggests, is essential to our mental health and well-being. Genuine connections teach you to be comfortable with being vulnerable and encourage you to reciprocate the support you receive.
For some of us, it’s difficult to open up and make way for honest, more profound connections with people—from family, to friends, to lovers. Fortunately, the “secret language of connection is a learnable skill” that almost anyone can acquire with time. In my early years, I used to experience difficulty in connecting with others, but adopting a few of these practical tips helped me move my relationships forward.
- Be intentional
Devote special time to the person, and if possible, stick to a consistent schedule of meeting up for plans and checking-in; (after all, experiencing new things together can bring people closer). So, put in purposeful effort to make someone feel loved and needed instead of only taking action when a problem arises.
- Compromise and be patient
Sometimes we don’t see eye-to-eye with the people we’re trying to get close to, so spending time together isn’t enough. This is where compromise is needed if you wish to get closer to that person. Make clear what you are and are not willing to compromise on. And keep in mind that the person might disagree with your behavior just as much as you disagree with theirs. Relenting and admitting your wrongs before criticizing is important if you both wish to meet each other halfway. But all of this requires patience and respect, first and foremost.
- Build trust and share
Make it known that you’re willing to engage in honest and non-judgemental conversations. Create a safe space for that person and make them feel anything can be discussed with an open heart. Vulnerability and the act of sharing — our thoughts, dreams, secrets, fears — releases oxytocin, a hormone that helps us deeply connect and bond with others (Glaser, 2015). Our brain embraces this opportunity for vulnerability to build more profound connections.
- Be yourself
When you are your most authentic self, it may encourage others to follow suit. Publicly being yourself requires self-esteem which means having a positive but realistic view of yourself and accepting your strengths and your weaknesses. When people see that power and self-acceptance emanating from you, it could empower and inspire them to open up, helping to create a more honest connection (Orth, 2022).
- Identify needs
Charles Duhigg, author of bestselling book “The Power of Habit”, recently published his book “Supercommunictor” where he distinguishes between 3 types of conversations: practical, social and emotional. Figure out if the person talking to you wants to be “hugged, heard or helped”, or some combination thereof. This helps you get on the same page as them during conversations, thus making them feel more understood and closer to you. Sometimes, when someone is feeling down, they don’t want practical solutions; they just want to be heard. You could also subtly ask whether they’re interested in discussing solutions or emotions. Useful questions include “Why do you feel that way about it?” and “How have you solved this in the past?”
- Remember the details
Remember the small things about the people you interact with. Don’t be shy to send them a quick message to tell them, “This made me think of you!” Remembering what someone likes and dislikes shows that you value their individuality. Let it be known that you pay attention to the conversations you have with them. For example, if they told you about something they’re struggling with, bring it up at a later stage and check in with them about it. Active listening will go a long way in any relationship.
- Be genuine with your praise
Everyone loves praise but giving it without sincerity and good intentions can make people distrustful of you. People can usually tell when you’re just giving a compliment to gain favor or manipulate them. Instead, let the compliments come from a genuine place of admiration for the person. As the famous author Dale Carnegie observed, people generally crave authentic recognition and appreciation for their efforts; not empty flattery.
- Work on yourself
This could mean developing your emotional intelligence or just developing your sense of humor; there are times we should all remember not to take ourselves too seriously. Emotional intelligence is a set of skills that helps us understand the emotional needs of ourselves and others. Being able to understand why we do the things that we do can make you a more trusting, compassionate friend who inspires people around you to open up and connect.
- Ask better questions, frequently
Don’t just ask better questions but also more frequent questions in general so that you avoid jumping to conclusions and getting into misunderstandings. More thoughtful questions show that you are truly interested in getting to know the person. This approach may also encourage vulnerability which, as mentioned above, leads to more profound connections (Kerr, 2021). The questions you ask don’t need to be too profound or complicated, just more mindful. For instance, instead of only asking “What do you do for a living?” ask: “What do you love about your job?” (Duhigg, 2024)
- Show up, show initiative
If you truly wish to go above and beyond then you need to show initiative, especially in times of need. Don’t simply say, “I’m here if you need anything” because people often find it difficult to ask others for help, especially in moments of adversity. Sometimes, you need to step up and actively check up on them, perhaps doing things they would appreciate (if it’s within your capacity to do so; mentally, logistically etc.). Without being pushy, offer them concrete things you’re willing to do for them. Be a supportive listener who they can express their concerns to. You can also help with tasks such as walking their dog, preparing meals or running errands when they are feeling overwhelmed. This way, you are not placing the responsibility on them to reach out to you because that in itself can be a scary prospect for anyone feeling vulnerable.
