Sometimes people may act or react in a certain way that hurts or offends us. Even though my training has taught me to cope better with perceived negative circumstances, we are never immune to them – we all experience moments in life when our human vulnerabilities get the better of us.
A persistent feeling of upset or resentment towards someone who has hurt you can cause adverse effects on your health and well-being. While momentary outbursts or feelings of discord with someone can cause a short-term surge in stress levels, it is far more toxic to harbor resentment and negative feelings in the long-term.
When people think about their offenders in unforgiving ways, they tend to experience stronger negative emotions and greater physiological stress responses. Holding a grudge allows your body to go through the same trauma each time you take a moment to think about that person or episode.
Researchers report that forgiving someone for a transgression is less stressful to the body than holding a grudge. A recent study conducted by Katelyn Long and associates identified forgiveness as a potential health benefit for promoting overall population mental health and psychosocial well-being.
It takes a lot of courage to overcome what once caused you so much pain, but in order to succeed, one must essentially accept, forgive and let go. These three stages are critically important if you want to live freely without the scathing marks of past pain. When one is intent on building the new in life begrudging thoughts can and will hinder your path to progress.
My advice to those of you going through a phase of hurt and resentment is to take yourself away from the situation entirely. Detach. Take a vacation, start a recreational course: cooking, pottery, yoga, horse riding – anything that inspires excitement and creativity within you. The healthy distraction will help you move away from your dwelling place of negative emotions to a place that cultivates fresh thoughts and a new perspective. My happy place is when I’m out for an early morning walk with my dog Gizmo or taking a long horse ride in the country side.
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When you have taken the time to reflect on the situation in question, you can then address the issue from a more calm and rational standpoint. Write down the things that have made you upset and ask yourself whether the offender’s actions or words have affected or harmed the nature of your present life? Then ask yourself whether your unwillingness to forgive them has actually affected you more? If the answer is yes, then make a list of the things that you wish to say to the person who has offended you.
If you are in a situation whereby communication with them is simply not possible, put closure on the discord yourself. Write it down and then express your thoughts in a quiet, open space, as if that person were there with you; this can be very cathartic and actually feels like you are speaking to them irrespective of their absence. Tell yourself that you deserve to move forward by putting closure here and now. Tell yourself (and really believe) that you accept what has happened and that keeping resentment inside will only strengthen the person’s power over you. Move forward and empower yourself by taking reign of your emotional distress. In the end, we cannot control what others say or do but we can learn to manage our emotions when faced with uncomfortable situations.
