The psychology of respect:
Respect is generally self-reinforcing. The more we show respect to others, the more it is shown to us, making us more likely to repeat the behaviour. Respecting someone may come from a place of awe and concern but it may also only be a way of acknowledging or tolerating others[1]. Whatever the reason, we can’t deny that what helps the world function the way it does today is our tendency to regard everyone with respect because of their inherent worth as a human being. Showing this “default respect” is when we treat people as if they are competent and goodwilled, irrespective of our personal opinions about them[2].
Genuine respect (coming from a place of admiration) is something that is commanded rather than demanded. This means you earn it when the people around you feel you’re worthy enough to be given a higher form of respect. This is where self-respect comes into play and why it usually goes hand in hand with being respected by others.
Self-respect may look like:
-Being able to say “no” when necessary
-Caring for others without neglecting your own wellbeing
-Not ruminating over things/people you can’t control
-Not stooping below your standards (picking your battles wisely)
-Not letting people string you along as they wish
Self-respect, confidence and identity
Taking the time to get to know yourself is the first step. These insights about yourself can be revealed to you through wins, losses and visualizing what your ideal self looks like. Examining your life, finding what’s missing and trying out new things are all ways to discover who you are[3]. Once you’ve defined your current values, standards and needs/boundaries, you can now stand by them and honor them in an act of self-respect and preservation of dignity. The American Psychological Association defines self-respect as “a feeling of self-worth and self-esteem, especially a proper regard for one’s values, character, and dignity.”
You undermine yourself when you ignore your needs for the sake of people-pleasing and wanting to fit in. That isn’t to say people-pleasing is always wrong. It can be helpful as long as you’re not degrading or harming your self-esteem in the process.
Self-respect reflects how you perceive yourself and your worth, while confidence is how much you believe in your abilities in a certain situation[4]. For a lot of people, self-respect and confidence are skills that are slowly learned over time as you form your identity and achieve milestones[5].
Confidence empowers self-respect
The more confidence you gain through life experiences, the more you’re able to nurture respect and value yourself. Improving both, helps consolidate your identity. All three factors, together, help you integrate and be accepted into communities and social groups that align with your needs. When you “engage in behavior consistent with your values and beliefs,” within these communities, you’ll feel more fulfilled and confident in expressing your identity[4] [6].
Knowing your worth, however, should not be confused with being egotistical and obnoxious. Even in the face of disrespect, we can, in fact, remain civil and considerate while defending our dignity.
Wellbeing and interpersonal relationships
Our level of self-worth will affect our behaviour, relationships, how we work and how we’re viewed by others[7]. The stronger our self-esteem, the more we hold ourselves in high regard and the more likely we are to take care of ourselves and engage in things that serve us. As a result, we are left with a generally healthier state of mind and body.
Self-respect allows you to take positive action in favour of yourself when in a difficult situation. When you set standards for yourself, your self-respect is what helps you maintain those standards and not undermine them[7]. This prevents unnecessary, negative situations and allows you to attract more compatible people into your life.
In relationships, self-respect looks like:
-Defining your own self-worth instead of depending on your partner to validate it
-Reciprocating the effort your partner is putting in and recognizing when you’re doing all the work
-Walking away when you feel like the relationship is holding you back and/or interfering with your inner peace
-Not allowing your partner to put you down or instil self-doubt
Self-respect is knowing when you deserve better
When you demonstrate self-respect, you believe and communicate to others that you deserve to be loved. If you experience an unhealthy, unloving relationship, detaching yourself from that person might be the only way forward. A strategy of distancing yourself is not an easy process but the more you command respect and good treatment, the more likely you are to set healthier boundaries for better quality relationships in the future[8].
The impact on relationships when self-respect is compromised
Why would a lack of self-respect attract the wrong people? Sometimes, a person will take advantage or abuse their partner because they recognize their lack of self-respect and powerlessness in setting clear boundaries. Going against your values just to get someone to like you, usually won’t end well because the relationship will be built on deception and dishonesty. You’ll either be confronted or you’ll have to continue pretending you’re someone you’re not. This could also be perceived as manipulating someone into liking an inauthentic version of yourself. None of these scenarios are ways in which a self-respecting person should treat others or be treated.
A meta-analysis of 83 longitudinal studies with a total of 68,226 participants revealed that the link between self-esteem and relationships is reciprocal since both influence each other. This means our relationships can shape our self-esteem but our self-esteem can also affect the quality of our relationships. Low self-esteem can also affect your relationship when your partner views you in a more positive way than you view yourself and because of that, you withdraw from them[9].
Intimacy requires self-esteem. Mutual openness and dedication is the only way to create true intimacy and keep a relationship going[10]. If your partner has shamed you for expressing your needs, this is a clear sign that you need to re-evaluate your relationship. Receiving an adequate response to your needs is a necessity not an inconvenience.
Steps to take toward better self-respect:
-Recognize which situations make you feel devalued and deflated.
-Critically assess your feelings during these situations and challenge their validity and accuracy.
-Avoid cognitive distortions such as all-or-nothing thinking, mental filtering and jumping to conclusions.
-Adjust beliefs and thoughts (accept yourself, have more flexible thinking, consider what you can learn from the negative situation)[11].
-Take positive action against situations that are devaluing you.
-Ask for proper help and reassurance from professionals or people you trust. You don’t have to do it alone.
A challenging personal history with self-respect should not discourage or prevent you from pursuing a better quality of life. On your path to greater self-respect, start by giving yourself some grace, forgive your past self and welcome space for growth without judgment.
References:
[2] https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S2215091915300031
[3] https://www.healthline.com/health/self-discovery
[4] https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-improve-self-respect
[5] https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-build-confidence
[7] https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-self-worth-6543764
[9] https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2019-55803-001.html
[10] https://psychcentral.com/lib/self-esteem-makes-successful-relationships [11] https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/self-esteem/art-20045374
